Ok, so this is what happened. I was home in Connecticut for Thanksgiving and decided to get on an earlier flight to avoid the snow storm that was going to hit later that day. Which meant I had to wake up at 4am, delirious and a bit hungover from the night before. I wasn’t in a sane headspace, which is why I blame my husband for not taking my phone from me. Because any girl who has ever gotten drunk with a phone in her hand can attest to the dangers of incoherent, rash decision making.

Which is how I ended up offering to do a post on wedding invitation etiquette.

But here we are.

I can tell you with certainty that this was my single most detested task of wedding planning. It started off so simple. “Mr and Mrs Alan Circle”….. “Ms Sophie Jones”….easy! Adam offered to help and I told him it was no problem; I’d be done entering the names into our spreadsheet in no time. Which is why he was caught off guard when, 3 hours later, he found me on the floor of our living room with papers scattered all around me, a glass (ok, bottle) of wine in my hand, and a look of extreme panic on my face.

I was not prepared to deal with the many divorced guests (that 50% statistic seemed like a low ball at this point), newly engaged couples, younger cousins still living at home, etc. I was Google’ing answers and finding different rules on each website, making this process a 5,000 piece puzzle that seemed to be missing 800 of the pieces. SEND HELP.

After scouring the internet, talking to my planners, and getting etiquette advice from my calligrapher, I stuck to a few rules and decided if anyone got offended by my choices, that was on them. So here are the rules I went with. Keep in mind that, depending on your level of formality and tradition, these might not be what your planner/calligrapher suggest. We went with traditional, formal rules listed below.

A Married Couple

Spell out “and”; Use the husband’s first name.

Mr. and Mrs. Alan Circle

A Married Couple with Different Last Names

List the person you're closest with first; If equally acquainted with both, list them in alphabetical order by last name; If the combined names are too long to fit on one line, list them separately (one on top of the other)

Mrs. Cathy Smith and Mr. Alan Jones

A Same Sex Couple

List the person you're closest with first; If equally acquainted with both, list them in alphabetical order by last name

Ms. Kristen Stevens and Ms. Brandy Lewis

A Widow

Ask her or a family member what she would prefer to be addressed by (her husband’s name, or her own)

Mrs. Betty Brown

or

Mrs. John Brown

An Unmarried Couple Living Together

List the person you're closest with first; If equally acquainted with both, list them in alphabetical order by last name; If the combined names are too long to fit on one line, list them separately (one on top of the other)

Ms. Cathy Smith and Mr. Alan Jones

A Couple Living Separately

List the person you’re friends with first and then their plus one; If the combined names are too long to fit on one line, list them separately (one on top of the other). It’s also okay to send the plus one their own invitation, as well

Ms. Cassidy Stone and Mr. Mark Bernard

A Divorced Female

You can use “Mrs.” or “Ms.” with her ex-husband’s last name (if she still goes by that) or her maiden name. Ask her or a close friend what she prefers

Mrs. Allison Jones

or

Ms. Allison Petty

A Newly Engaged Couple

The Future Mr. and Mrs. Gary Smith

A Married Female Doctor

Dr. Anne and Mr. Paul Griffin

A Married Female and Male Doctor

Doctors Anne and Paul Griffin

Families with Children

For girls under 18, use “Miss." For boys under 18, no title is needed.

Mr. and Mrs. Alan Smith

John, Peter, Miss Lauren and Miss Kate

Families with Children Over 18

Likely the child doesn’t live at home and will receive their own envelope; Use “Ms.” for girls and “Mr.” for boys

Ms. Becky Smith

or

Mr. Garrett Smith

A Single Female

If over 18, use “Ms.” If under 18, use “Miss”

Ms. Barbara Loffin

or

Miss Kayla Hancin

A Single Male

If over 18, use “Mr.” If under 18, nothing is needed

Mr. Matthew Gracin

or

Bradly Smith

A Plus One

If you don’t know the name of the plus one you’re giving them, it’s okay to just write “and guest”

Ms. Sophie Sanders and Guest

Other Rules:

Use formal names (no nicknames)
Mr., Mrs., Ms., Dr., Jr. all have periods after their abbreviations, but Miss does not
Spell out all words such as Apartment, Avenue, Street, Drive, Road, Boulevard, etc.
Spell out all states EXCEPT DC
Spell out Northwest, Southeast, etc instead of using an abbreviation
Spell out all numbers 1-20 (Apartment Nineteen) or (Apartment 56)
Spell out “and”
Tell me in the comments section how wonderful I am for reliving this nightmare

Addressing Your Envelope Questions