The Bachelor Night 1 and A Wedding...More Similarities Than You'd Think
The night is upon us. The one that can only be described as a female’s version of the Super Bowl. We have our draft lineup of fav contestants (chosen solely based on their headshot pic and ridiculous bios). We have a spread of Trader Joe’s $5 wines, every variety of hummus out there (including the new chocolate one that I can’t decide if I love or despise), cauliflower crust pizza (cuz, like, health first), and of course a cheese platter. I mean, this is clearly not our first rodeo—-in fact, given how this is season 23, we’ve in fact had 22 nights just like this one, where we join together for three hours and allow our brains to melt away at the nonsense that is…The Bachelor Season Premier.
As a wedding blogger and someone who actually tried out for the show myself (after Adam *stupidly broke up with me and I sent in an application while elbows deep in a bottle of tequila), I feel it’s only right that this post be made. You see, weddings and this bachelor night 1 episode actually go hand in hand. Let me spell out all of the reasons why they are one and the same:
Reason #1: The Dress War
The Bachelor is obviously the star of the show, which makes it seem obvious that the attention should be on him. Yet, you get dozens of girls in a room, and suddenly it’s a stare down for who’s wearing what. You’ve got the girls who think they’re attending a Golden Globes Red Carpet, decked out in sequins and sparkles. Then you’ve got the girls who spared no expense to make a strong first impression with their high slits, low necklines, and bare-back gowns as a way to flaunt what their mama gave ‘em (yaas, girl, pop the leg). But my favorite are the poor soles who entered the room full of hope and immediately die inside upon seeing another girl in the exact same dress…..I mean, really, what are the chances? Quick…smile, ladies, and pretend that you’re so amused at this stroke of misfortune…wouldn’t want the cameras to catch that death glare you so badly want to give.
Same. Exact. Scene. at a wedding. Sure, the attention first goes to the bride, as you “ooh” and “ahh” at her spectacular gown. But then, as cocktail hour begins and you’re schmoozing with the guests over shrimp cocktail, your focus shifts and you begin noting what everyone else is wearing. You’ve got the girls who missed the “beach formal” memo and are instead in a “black tie-meets-Whitehouse Correspondence Dinner” getup. Then you’ve got the girls who showed up single and hopeful of meeting a hot groomsmen. Obviously they’re the ones in dresses that are tight and short enough to have been worn at a college frat party. And then, of course, you have the few unfortunate girls who waited until the last minute, ordered a simple but elegant number off Lulus’ wedding site, and are now seeing their exact dress staring at them from across the room on someone else’s body.
If you’ve never taken notice of this scene before, please, the next time you’re at a wedding, step back and watch. It’s honestly just as entertaining as sitting there in front of your tv on a Monday night, and you will see just as many ladies side-eye one another as they check out their competition’s outfit of choice.
The Criers
It wouldn’t be “The Bachelor” without the tears. Obviously these contestants have watched the show before, so it truly baffles me that they wouldn’t try a little harder to avoid being *that girl, sobbing uncontrollably. But luckily for us viewers, each season brings with it a new group of Ashley I’s.
Anyone who’s been to a wedding before can see the direct correlation I’m about to make. Bride walking down the aisle? Tears. Groom seeing bride walk down the aisle? Tears. Vows read? More tears. Father of the bride dance? Uncontrollable sobbing. It’s really just a night of dancing and crying, mixed with some top-shelf booze. Take a note from the smeared black lines running down the Bachelor contestants faces, and do yourself a favor with waterproof mascara. (Also…invest in these adorable Happy Tears tissues!)
Untouched Food
A common question that runs through everyone’s mind as they watch this episode is always “WHY ISN’T ANYONE EATING THE FOOD?!” The opening night brings with it a table full of gourmet options, and yet, the girls choose to gather around the sofas and gossip about who they think is going to get the first impression rose. If that were me (again, almost was, no thanks to Adam realizing the colossal mistake he was about to make and asking to get back with me…ugh, sigh)…but, if it were me, I’d be setting up camp at that buffet table. My assumption for the untouched food is that a) The girls are trying to kill their nerves with a good old fashioned vodka buzz, and can’t let proper nourishment stand in their way, b) Between the interviews and all of the “can I steal him for a minute” attacks, there simply isn’t time to eat, or c) Their dress has been altered and hemmed to perfection, not allowing any room for bloat (or sitting, for that matter).
Unfortunately, the Bride is in a similar situation. Knowing that there is a first dance to come, as well as a speech to thank everyone for being there, she begins hunting down the server responsible for passing champagne. In between trying to get refills, she is also getting bombarded with eager guests, each wanting a moment of her time and at least 5 photos. The food that she hand-selected and has been DYING to devour has never felt further away, and the idea of eating tonight seems like an impossible task. Finally, that perfectly-fitted gown that’s taken four alterations, weeks of limited carbs, and cost three month’s rent….it’s not exactly made of a “stretch to fit” material, and too many bites from the pretzel bar might result in a torn zipper. Whether due to a lack of time or wedding day nerves, you’ll find that many brides don’t eat as much of their reception food as they’d have hoped. (Tip: have your planner or BM bring you a plate of food as you schmooze with guests, and screw the whole “tight dress” nonsense. Eat the damn pretzel, it’s your wedding day!")
The Unexpected Drunk
As you sit in front of your television screen and watch each girl strut out of the limo, you begin categorizing them with various superlatives: most likely to cry first, most likely to be psycho, most likely to jump in the pool for attention, most likely to be hated by the group, etc. The superlative that is almost always judged incorrectly, though, is the “most likely to get sloppy drunk.” You might THINK you have that one down, seeing as how one of the girls who just entered has her job listed as “professional partier,” but you come to find out that you judged incorrectly. In fact, more times than not, the drunkest one ends up being the sheltered girl from Montana who showed up riding a horse and claims to have never watched an episode of The Bachelor before.
Weddings? Same deal. It’s easy to categorize the guests into similar superlatives based on their expensive suits, choice of beverage, and quantity of selfies taken. What’s NOT easy to detect, however, is the guest who will take the greatest advantage of the free, unlimited booze. Just when you think you have a grasp on naming this winner, you find a younger cousin, conservative grandpa, or even a newly divorced aunt, stealing the band’s mic, dancing like it’s MTV Spring Break, and slipping on a perfectly dry dance floor. Of course this is one of the most entertaining parts of the evening—just make sure they’re closely monitored when it comes time for speeches (no, Aunt Betty, this isn’t open mic night).
The Weirdest Jobs
One of my favorite parts of watching the Bachelor contestants introduce themselves is reading their by-line and immediately feeling better about my life choices when seeing some of their professions. We’ve had dog lover, chicken enthusiast, outdoorsman, amateur sex coach (lol), tickle monster, and social media participant (same, same) to name a few.
Cue: wedding conversations. You could be innocently minding your own business, waiting for your turn at the bar, or possibly in line for the bathroom, when the groom’s second cousin’s girlfriend decides to strike up a conversation and asks you what you do for a living. After giving your boring one-liner to summarize your corporate America job, you politely ask them the same question. Somehow, and this cannot just happen to me, you find yourself trapped in a discussion with one of the weirdest (em, I mean unique) guests there. HOW are there wedding guests who spend their days breeding hamsters, teaching dogs to play volleyball, or any of the other absurd occupations I’ve heard. Like, how does a normal bride and groom couple know all of these crazy people, and why do I always get sucked into a conversation with them that I have no way of contributing to? Proof that there’s a job out there for anything, and if you stand in line for the bathroom long enough, you’ll be forced to smile awkwardly as you listen to the ins and outs of said profession.
The Uninvited Guest
It seems that ABC thinks they can pull a fast one on us each season, and get us to believe that they didn’t know an ex-boyfriend, previous season’s contestant, or even a current contestant’s grandma, was going to be walking out of the limo. Yet, every time this happens, the Bachelor/Bachelorette looks SHOOK. “Um, what is my ex doing here, and is it too late to get a restraining order?”
Similarly, the same thing happens at weddings. Seemingly normal people forget their manners and any sense of social etiquette as they disregard the fact that they weren’t invited, and show up anyway. Friends taking it upon themselves to invite a plus one, third cousins who heard about the wedding over Thanksgiving and assumed their invite got lost in the mail, you name it….people be cray. (Tip: expect the unexpected. Good planners will have an extra seat, plate, name card, etc on standby for when this surprise attack happens).
So, there you have it. If you’re in the thick of planning a wedding, use the Bachelor premier as an opportunity to sit down with a pen and paper, and take extensive notes. Because this is about to become your reality, and your contestants are all friends and family who can’t be voted off at the end of the night.