How To Avoid Painful Schmoozing
So You Can Instead Be Ripping Shots on the Dance Floor
Somehow, guests miss the memo that you don't want to be spending 15 minutes mid-reception hearing about their niece's most recent ballet recital or their upcoming summer plans. You want to tell Aunt Susan that you have no interest in seeing pictures of the new cat she's rescued, but feel caught in the web of bridal etiquette. Before you know it, you find yourself STARVING, holding an empty glass, having to pee (must've been all those vodka soda splash of crans), and seeing no exit route in site. The dance floor, bar, and restrooms have never felt further away, and HOW is your maid of honor not seeing the "SEND HELP" death stares you're giving her?
For a once-in-a-lifetime event that only lasts a few hours (because noise ordinances are apparently a thing), you do not have time for this sh*t. Let me help you with some tips to avoid painful schmoozing so you can, instead, be in your element (grinding to Nelly like it's your bat mitzvah all over again).
Tip #1: The "Point and Walk"
Similar to the "bend and snap," it really does work every time. I made this move up midway through cocktail hour as I quickly learned that a 2 foot walk to refill my glass was going to take an hour. Each time I (politely) got rid of one guest, another would find me. It was feeling a lot like speed dating, and considering I already had a date (a husband, in fact, who was nowhere to be found at this moment of dire need), I was not having it. After excusing myself from the 20th distant relative and seeing the 21st on his way over, I made a decision. With extreme intention, I stuck my arm out straight, pointed my finger, put on the cheesiest smile I've ever concocted, and walked with purpose. To any onlooker, this looked like I had found someone I had been needing to talk to for hours, and it would be rude to interrupt. In fact, I was pointing in a general direction (towards the bar, duh) and that "someone" I was needing to see was the guy holding my bottle of Tito's. After finding great success from the point and walk, I continued the move throughout the night; exaggerating my points and dodging my unwanted suitors.
Tip #2: 5 Fun Fact Sheets
Got them off Etsy, filled them in with random facts (now everyone knows my love for murder documentaries and Adam's fear of my love for murder documentaries), and scattered them around the hotel for guests to read at their leisure.
I know what you're thinking: there is nothing worse than the first day of middle school and having to tell your classmates a fun fact about yourself; or that first round of sorority rushing when you have to act natural while embellishing parts of your life to make yourself sound cooler than the girl to your right (all of a sudden, your family trip to Aspen has turned into a narrative about your love for speed skiing and how close you were to making the Olympics). And yet, here we are. Coming up with these facts again. Why? Because now his distant relatives will have read these while sipping their morning coffee. They'll feel like they already know you. Which means they won't feel the need to trap you en route to your dinner plate (Bill, I haven't eaten carbs in a week, this really isn't a great time) and ask you a million questions. These fun fact sheets will be the silent conversation you can now have with each guest.
Tip #3: Welcome Party
Whether you're doing a destination wedding or not, I urge you to consider a welcome party after the rehearsal dinner. Invite all guests for cocktails and dessert, and use this opportunity to schmooze away. Have meaningful conversations with each person, fake your interest in their new home renovation, tell them all about your honeymoon plans, and make them feel special. That way, when the band starts tomorrow night and all you want to do is hit the dance floor, you can without any guilt.
Tip #4: Wedding Planner Needs You
This one should really be saved for dire circumstances, but keep it in your back pocket just in case. If your fiance’s great uncle twice removed is chatting your ear off and not taking the (not so subtle) hint that you'd rather be doing anything other than having this conversation, simply say "Oh, that's such a fascinating story about your allergic reaction to blue cheese, and I'd love to stay and hear more, but it looks like my wedding planner needs me for something! I'll come find you after, though!" Then duck out, hide in between friendly faces, and hope your wedding planner isn't standing right next to him.
Tip #5: The Designated Scapegoat
Concoct a safe word (different from the one you use with your husband), tug of the ear, or some form of alert to notify a designated friend that you're in too deep and need out. I chose a pregnant bridesmaid, because let's be honest--they're sober, which means two things: they're reliable, and they're not having fun anyway. I asked said pregnant friend if they would keep an eye on me throughout the night and come grab me if they saw our agreed upon code. As the night went on, the excuses from this preggo got more and more elaborate (starting with "her mom is looking for her," and ending with "I think my water broke and I need her help delivering my baby"). I DARE anyone to keep talking after that one!
