From Bride To Bridezilla: A PSA On How To Prevent This
There are two types of brides: crazy ones (aka bridezillas), and calm ones (aka unicorns). Although yes, it is absolutely the bride’s choice which of the two buckets she falls into, a lot of it stems from the actions of those around her. Like, to be fair, if my bridesmaids showed up with wet hair after I specifically told them it needed to be dry, I would pull a Danielle Staub too (Pay Attention, PUHHHLEASE!). As a matter of public safety—because thousands of Danielle Staubs roaming the world is enough to cause a national crisis— I find it’s my duty to educate you all on how to keep the bride sane, smiling, and blissfully unaware that her caterer has yet to show up.
Tip #1: Do Not Text Her
There is no occasion that requires you to send the bride a text on the weekend of her wedding. I don’t care if her house is on fire…call 911, take a snapchat video, and remove any animals that may be in there (probably not in that order). This should be common sense, but somehow guests forget that she’s busy doing a million last minute tasks (aka buying spanx because those glasses of champs at last night’s rehearsal dinner are not doing her any favors in her skintight gown). Lost and can’t find the ceremony site? This is a pretty easy fix…it’s called a futuristic solution known as GOOGLE MAPS. Can’t remember what the dress code says? I assure you, anything other than white would be the preferred solution over texting her for clarification. Arrived at the airport and can’t decide if an uber or cab makes more sense? Order the Uber…it’s 2020 and nobody takes cabs anymore. And there you have it….crisis #1 averted; no text to the bride is needed anymore.
Tip #2: Do not ask for a hair/makeup redo
Bridesmaids, I’m talking to you. I don’t care if the hair stylist turned your “beachy waves” request into Shirley Temple ringlets, or if the glue-on eyelashes have literally cemented an eye shut. Zip your lips, find a sober friend, and pull them into the bathroom to do touch ups yourself. Asking the pros for extra time in their seat is truly an eye roll-worthy offense, requiring them to spend less time catering to the bride’s needs, and likely throwing off the day’s meticulous timeline. Also, no offense, but this isn’t about you. If we’re being honest with ourselves, the sole purpose of bridesmaids getting glammed up is to make sure the group photos are gallery wall-worthy. It is not to help secure your one night stand with the groom’s cousin or for the purpose of a new Hinge profile pic. So while it’s not ideal to walk outside looking like your seventh grade self, please try to suck it up, smile, and tell the bride how much you love your ringlets.
Tip #3: Do Not Be Late
There is one person (I repeat..one person) who is allowed to be late to the wedding, and it’s the bride. ANYONE ELSE…groom, bridal party, guests, officiant…and it’s a real problem. The bride has most certainly scheduled every event down to the minute, and she did not predict your tardiness on account of “I couldn’t decide between wedges or stilettos.” Unlike the Sweet 16s back in the day, this excuse doesn’t fly anymore. Trust me, you do not want to be the reason cocktail hour is only 40 minutes long. Considering the schedule has likely been printed on her Zola website, again in the welcome packet, and yet again on a poster board in the hotel lobby….showing up fashionably late to a wedding really just translates to “I thought you and your 150 guests would be okay waiting on me.” EH. Think again.
Tip #4: Do not tell her of any mishaps
True story, the night before my wedding I was in the restroom at our rehearsal dinner and a guest told me she “felt so bad that it was supposed to rain tomorrow, and what on earth was I going to do about my outdoor events?” Without answering, I made a 180 turn back into the stall I had just come out of and exited a few seconds later with a now empty wine glass.
If you can do the bride ONE favor, it’s to hide the monstrosities that are sure to exist. Whether that’s a hurricane on the forecast, a vendor being MIA, her gown having been left in her home town 5 hours away, the groom having a terrible case of IBS, whatever. She does not need to know any of this. The purpose of spending thousands of dollars on a planner is to have a designated professional to deal with the shit storm of chaos that inevitably ensues. We ended up having a full on wedding crasher at our reception, and luckily my husband was smart enough to understand the golden rule of “bridal ignorance is bliss” and knew to burden anyone else with the drama. So, he calmly approached our planner —out of my line of sight— and told her about said crasher, to which she responded with “not a problem, I’ll handle it.” Did that person end up staying the entire night and having a dinner plate set for him? Sure did. Did I assume he was one of Adam’s distant relatives and end up hugging him and thanking him for coming? Sure did.
Tip #5: Don’t change your guest count
Okay, there needs to be a PSA about this one, because apparently it’s something that causes great confusion amongst wedding guests. You know the invitation you receive months prior, telling you if you’ve received a plus one or not? Yeah, that’s not a suggestion. The bride isn’t saying “well, considering you’re single AF, I’m going to address this invite to just you, but it would be such a fun surprise if you ended up bringing someone after all!” You either have a plus one or you don’t.
So, just to clarify, you know how you then have to respond with how many of you are attending? Again, not up for debate…if you didn’t get a plus one on the invite, your answer can really only be one of two answers: that YOU are attending, or that YOU are not attending. Seems fairly straight forward, right?
Please remember this tip and refrain from showing up the day of the wedding with your flavor of the week. This is not a frat party…you do not get to invite someone just because the thought of taking a seat when Ed Sheeran comes on makes you sad. And given how much each head costs, she does not want your on again off again booty call to take a place at the table that is not set for an extra human. Similarly, if you do get a plus one, think long and hard about whether or not you’d like to take this person with you BEFORE sending your RSVP back. Final headcounts are given to the venue/caterer a few weeks before the wedding, so letting the bride and groom know a day or two out that “on second thought, I’m going to come alone"“….it’s cause for some serious eye rolls.
So there you have it. While yes, brides can be crazy, it seems to me that the bride’s metamorphosis into full-on Bridezilla mode is something that we as guests have control over. So the next time you’re thinking of texting the bride a question, asking the hair stylist for a new updo, trying on a different outfit moments before the ceremony starts, informing the bride that the sky looks to be caving in, or deciding to be official with your on again, off again S.O and bring them with you to the nuptials…..don’t.
Brides, you’re welcome.