Our Journey To Pregnancy
I’m not sure if I missed the day in Sex Ed where they actually taught useful information, but here we are. Safe to say 7th grade health class did NOT prepare me for this journey to getting (and staying) pregnant! Let me start from the beginning. About a year after getting married, Adam and I decided we were ready for me to get off birth control. The idea wasn’t that we would start “trying” right away, but, having been on birth control since high school, I knew it could take a few months for my body to regulate itself and get back to a normal cycle. So, we scheduled an appointment to “pull the goalie” (aka get my IUD removed), and promised ourselves that we wouldn’t put any pressure on it. If it happened right away, great, but if it took a while, that was fine too!
PFFF! WHAT. A. JOKE. That mentality lasted all of 5 minutes after getting the IUD removed. I’m really not sure what happened from the time I went into the doctor’s office to the time I left, but something inside me did a 180. Knowing that it was all of a sudden possible to make a baby, I instantly felt more ready than ever. While I knew it was SUPER unlikely to happen right away, I also knew it was possible! After all, many of my close friends had gotten pregnant the same month they got off birth control!
Well, being the planner that I am, and thinking (subconsciously) that I would probably be one of those girls who got pregnant right away, I decided to check a few things off my list the week of my IUD removal. You know, like color my hair, order in sushi, jump on a trampoline…makes perfect sense, right?! Do all of those things one last time before getting pregnant! I clearly did not yet realize that YOU CAN’T PLAN FOR THIS SH*T!
Well, that first month came and went, and we continued telling ourselves ”no pressure! When it happens, it happens!” To be honest, the “not actively trying” thing was a joke from day 1. Sure, it’s what we told our friends when they asked if we were trying to get pregnant, and even what we told each other to keep the mood light, but my sudden influx of ovulation kits from Amazon told a different story. In an attempt to understand my body/cycles, I began peeing on a stick each morning. For those of you who haven’t fallen victim to these tests yet, and who can pee freely throughout the night without having to fumble around in the dark trying to locate a urine cup, here’s the jist—you pee in a cup, dip a stick, and depending on how dark the lines are, you learn if you’re about to ovulate or not (aka: is it time for baby making).
Each month, the days DRAGGED on. If you thought time moved slowly in high school physics class, just you wait. I began feeling like a sitting duck, waiting to see if I’d either get my period, of have a baby form inside of me. Pretty crazy choices, if you ask me. The more days that passed each month, the more I spiraled down Google’s endless rabbit hole, wasting HOURS on the internet each day researching things like “sneezing more than normal, could it be pregnancy?” and “nauseous, is it food poisoning or a baby?” The problem with the internet is, there is an article and a story out there for EVERYTHING. You want to believe that your two extra blinks yesterday were due to a baby forming inside you? You can find someone to back that theory up!
Ok, I’m rambling. Let’s fast forward to month 4, when I realized something was up. My cycles were getting longer and longer, lasting anywhere from 45 to 65 days. Each month, as I approached the 30 day mark, I built up hope that I was pregnant. HUNDREDS of negative pregnancy tests later, I was left defeated, confused, and frustrated as to why my period hadn’t come yet. At this rate, I would have less than 6 chances a year to get pregnant. Plus, the ovulation tests were all over the place, showing multiple positives each month (indicating that I had multiple chances each cycle to get pregnant, which is not how that is supposed to work). After 10 months of peeing on a stick every morning, taking countless pregnancy tests each week, and feeling like my body was betraying me, I was left feeling exhausted. Finally, I decided to make an appointment with my OBGYN to discuss what was going on.
This is my “Wish I Knew” tip #1: Advocating for myself sooner. Most doctors will tell you that, if you are under the age of 30, you should give it a year before seeking medical guidance. WHY? If you are ready to have a baby and you know that something is not right with your body, I encourage you to ask the questions and look for the answers. I wish I had done this sooner. It would have saved me months of turmoil, frustration, and late night trips to CVS to try and prove that the cheap internet pregnancy tests were wrong. (Side note: the cashier at CVS grew to know Adam and every time he would buy a test for me, she would say “don’t worry, baby, this is sure to be your time.” You know you have a testing addiction when a cashier starts to feel pity for you).
Anyhoo, my doctor agreed that it was strange for my period to not be regulated at this point (10 months after getting my IUD out), and asked me if I had a regular cycle before I went on birth control. I admitted that, since I had been on it for so long, I honestly didn’t remember, but I THOUGHT everything was normal back then? Listen, Linda, I can hardly remember what I ate for breakfast yesterday let alone what Aunt Flow’s schedule looked like 15 years ago. She decided to run a few tests to look for what she suspected was PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). These tests consisted of an ultrasound to check for cysts, or polyps, on my ovaries, as well as a panel of blood work. The ultrasound was step 1, and left me feeling even more frustrated. She concluded that I did in fact have some very small cysts on my ovaries, but they were nothing to be concerned with, and weren’t big enough to say for certain if I had PCOS or not. #WUT? Then the blood work came back, and the doctor told me everything looked normal. For most, this would seem like a relief. But after trying to get pregnant for over 10 months and having such an inconsistent cycle, I just wanted answers. I wanted something identifiably wrong so it could be diagnosed and fixed. Instead, this seemed to leave me with even more questions. Although the results came back inconclusive in regards to whether or not I had PCOS, the doctor did agree that, based on my irregular cycles, I was probably not ovulating each month. This means I wasn’t releasing an egg, and without releasing an egg, it’s impossible to get pregnant. Coolcoolcool.
Regardless of whether or not I had PCOS, the doctor wanted me to start on a fertility medicine called Letrozole (or Femara), which helps promote ovulation. Relieved to finally have a solution, I jumped on board. Everyone is obviously different in terms of what their body needs, but for me, Lerozole was the answer. Exactly 3 weeks later, I got my first ever BFP (big fat positive {pregnancy test}). Unfortunately, that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage (click here if you’d like to read more about that). As devastating of an experience as that was, I looked on the bright side: my body WAS able to get pregnant. I honestly had spiraled into a dark hole in the months prior, feeling unsure if I was ever going to see a positive pregnancy test, and wondering if it would take years for me to conceive. Knowing that I could, in fact, get pregnant, restored my hope and left me feeling optimistic. I knew I wanted to try again, but before I did, I decided to look around for a new doctor.
This leads me to my “Wish I Knew” tip #2: Find a doctor that you trust and like. While there was nothing wrong with my current doctor, I left each appointment feeling rushed. I’m someone who likes to understand my options and ask all the questions. I certainly don’t intend to doubt the opinion of a professional, but it’s just my personality to want to understand the WHY behind everything. I felt like my doctor had a timer on each appointment, and would inch towards the door when that timer went off, regardless of whether I had questions left. I also was starting to feel like a chart to her, instead of a patient. It was a very impersonal feeling, and at one appointment, she even asked “you already have a child, right?” to which I responded “Um, NOO…that’s why I’m here. I can’t get pregnant.” Clearly, she had one too many patients, and Adam agreed that I wasn’t getting the care that I was looking for. So, I took to Google and found a highly renowned doctor at a separate practice who had hundreds of amazing reviews, and got scheduled with her. It was honestly one of the best decisions I made. I know it can seem daunting to have to find a new provider and start from scratch, re-explaining your medical history and building that relationship with them, but it is so worth it. After my first consult with her, I immediately felt reassured, and she answered all of my (many) questions with patience and empathy.
This doctor also seemed confused why my original blood panel didn’t test for certain things that would help confirm a PCOS diagnosis (such as AMH levels and testosterone levels). She decided to order those tests, and they came back confirming that I did, in fact, have PCOS. While this information wasn’t altering the treatment plan (we were going to start our next round of letrozole either way), it did give me that reassurance that I was getting the proper care and helped me feel more informed.
So we decided to start our next round of letrozole pretty immediately following the miscarriage. This is a very personal decision for couples to make, and it’s understandable that some don’t feel emotionally ready to begin trying again so soon after a loss. For us, the hope of getting pregnant again is one of the only things that helped me emotionally heal. I knew the medicine worked before, and it could work again. Obviously consult with your doctor first, as everyone’s situation is different, but my doctor told us that once my HCG levels returned to 0, there was no reason to wait another month before trying again. I miscarried fairly early on in my pregnancy (about 6 weeks along), so my HCG returned to zero and the bleeding stopped within about 10 days, which was when I got the OK to take the next round of letrozole. I would be lying if I said we didn’t have our hopes up. One of the hardest parts of miscarrying for me was wondering if it would take another 10+ months to see my next BFP. I had gotten a taste of that euphoria, finally feeling the joy of pregnancy, and just as quickly, that opportunity was taken away from me. I prayed that this next round would work again.
Miraculously, it did. Exactly a month after miscarrying (and with no period in between), I got my second ever BFP. While Adam and I were obviously elated, we were also cautiously optimistic. Adam even more so than me. We quietly celebrated the news, while remaining aware of the possibility of another loss. Looking back, this breaks my heart. I hate that the miscarriage robbed us of the unreserved happiness that most couples get to feel upon seeing a positive test. I hate that I didn’t feel confident equating “I’m pregnant” to “I’m going to have a baby,” because I knew that I could be robbed of that opportunity again. Each day that passed, we began feeling more reassured, and after a VERY LONG few weeks, we were finally brought in for a 7 week ultrasound, where we saw the baby and confirmed that there was a heart beat. I can’t begin to explain the relief we both felt after that visit. While not completely gone, the anxiety over another loss definitely got better with each passing day and each doctor’s appointment.
We are now in the second trimester, and I’m constantly humbled at the thought that I have a baby inside of me. I never knew how trying it could be to get (and stay) pregnant, and I also acknowledge that my experience fails to compare with so many others out there. Couples dealing with infertility, miscarriage, unanswered questions, IVF, and so many other hardships—our hearts are with you every step of the way.
If I can answer any questions or provide any insight, please let me know. I am an open book and look forward to sharing this journey with you all. Xxx
